By now you've probably heard "radical" (to use the term loosely) rocker Marilyn
Manson voted for "conservative" (ditto) George W. Bush, proclaiming
Al Gore and Joe Lieberman's censorious ways to be anathema to
him. This would be understandable--the Democratic duo's wobbly record on censorship
frightens the leather thong off any good First Amendment advocate--except Manson
forgot two things: (1) Ralph Nader, and (2) Bush Jr.'s insidious alliance with
the Christian Coalition, that sanctimonious cabal which has done more
to gag-order Manson than a million Tippers ever could.
Certainly, Manson's no spook-metal Einstein. Even if he weren't ripping off
his own bleeding songs for a change (see record reviews, page 38), a
cursory scan of The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, his self-congratulatory
excuse for a memoir, shows he can be more full of shit than a colostomy bag.
But then one has to wonder: Is Manson any worse than the Dubya? Maybe not. And
with all the legal prestidigitation and trickery surrounding Election 2K, maybe
we should've just scuttled the listing Gush/Bore tanker entirely and let the
man born Brian Warner steer Battleship America for awhile. Hell, what's to lose?
So without further ado, here's a look at some possible policies of a Mansonian
regime:
1) France nuked. "A justifiable response to that country's recent nuclear
tests in the Pacific," insists official press statement. But secret Oval Office
tapes of Manson's phone conversations reveal the truth: "Those croissant-eating
cheesedicks had it coming."
2) Xmas and Easter abolished. Pagan celebration days reclaimed, with
new twists (Dec. 21 = Slit Your Nipple and Smoke Opium in the Name of Odin Day;
April 21 = Fuck a Pig for Dionysus Day). Other popular new holidays: Crossdressing
Freak Day (June 23), Corsets for Crippled Children Day (Sept. 6), Necrophiliac
Blood Orgy of the Damned Day (every third Tuesday).
3) Drug war called off; all drugs legalized; DEA and ATF dismissed.
William Bennett's anti-drug thugs and their stormtrooper tactics have long threatened
the sacred principles of privacy and jurisprudence we hold dear--not to mention
they were making it damn hard to score enough hi-grade coke to get properly
loaded up before that rad crescendo in "The Dope Show." And, dude, that really
sucked. Without those jarhead ATF meddlers, Cuban stogies, Czech absinthe and
Chechen AK-47s flood the streets. Sweet!
4) Manson appointed Pope of New Church of America. Complete break made
from Roman Catholic Church; those who oppose are imprisoned and/or killed. Much
of central United States annihilated. The following canons also put into effect:
(a) real flesh and blood used during Eucharist; (b) all likenesses of Jesus
replaced with gelatin prints of Andres Serrano's "Piss Christ"; (c) priests
to wear fishnet stockings and pearl chokers à la Dr. Frank N. Furter
from Rocky Horror; (d) altar boys to dress "extra sexy"; (e) crucifixes
to double as dildos.
5) Stodgy old national anthem dumped. Replaced by Manson's "Irresponsible
Hate Anthem." All in attendance must flip-off American flag during line "I wasn't
born with enough middle fingers"--great fun before ballgames and figure-skating
competitions. "O Canada" also banned from stadia because, well, Canada's lame.
6) Faces of Washington, Lincoln,
others booted off currency in favor of new "heroes." What could be cooler
than slipping that crisp Aleister Crowley $1 bill into the juke to spin some
Sabbath? How about asking for change of a Charles Manson $5? Or trading two
Marquis de Sade $10 bills for a John Wayne Gacy $20? Puff Daddy's ode to the
$100 note will be changed to "It's All about the Antons"--referring to the Church
of Satan's late LaVey, of course.
7) "One Nation Under God"? Not in the new pledge of allegiance, adapted
from first verse of Manson song "1996," starting with the part that goes "Anti-choice,
anti-girl/I am the anti-flag unfurled" and ending with "Here's your Antichrist
Superstar" (at which point all students Sieg Heil mandatory portrait of Manson
on classroom wall). School prayer, of course, is outlawed on pain of death.
8) Department of Defense dissolved. Imperial War Department convened
under guiding motto of "Fuck You and Your Dingy Little Back Alley of a Country,
Too." See also No. 1.
9) The Beautiful People? Exterminated. Actually, this isn't a bad idea.
