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Driving Everyone Crazy
The year doesn't become official in Portland until Tonya Harding has been in the news at least once. This time, though, the story had nothing to do with figure skating or blunt instruments; instead, Harding became headline material in early February when her pickup truck was carjacked outside her home in Oak Grove. Apparently she discovered a man tinkering around one of her cars; when confronted, he forced her into the truck and tried to make her drive him home to rural Clackamas County. The former ice queen complied for a while, then--using her skating skills--deliberately crashed into a tree. Harding says she was able to slip away from her dazed passenger, run into the woods and double back to the truck when he left the scene. No injuries were sustained from the incident, save Harding's wounded pride. The Ice Queen Returneth
When Harding did get back on the ice, things didn't get much better. On Feb. 22 she made her "comeback" performance during halftime at a hockey game in Reno. As sports commentary goes, it wasn't exactly Hemingway discussing hunting when hockey fan Terry Haynes said, "I'm not an expert, but I think she should just go to Vegas and become a stripper or something." Of course, Harding has been metaphorically stripped to the bone by the paparazzi's constant peering into her life, as well as literally stripped of her ability to compete as an amateur skater, but no one's sure if she'd make a
good exotic dancer.
(Do they give points for a triple axel around the stage pole?) Besides, we hear Oaks Park is looking for someone to run its Whack-A-Mole game. Dr. Jerk! Paging Dr. Jerk!
It was perhaps the most expensive parking ticket ever. And it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Darrell Brett, a prominent Portland physician, was so incensed that a lowly airport parking attendant had dared give him a ticket that he rammed his car into her intentionally, screaming, "I could buy and sell people like you." That was in August '95. This March, a judge decreed that Brett had committed civil battery and awarded the meter maid, June Grittman, a million smackers in damages.
Death to Taxes
For Oregon taxpayers, the year could hardly have been more confusing. 1996 ended with the passage of Measure 47, which promised to cut property taxes and limit their growth. Then, in '97, lawmakers decided to tinker with it, convinced that the measure wouldn't work and might even be unconstitutional. They came up with Measure 50, which the Legislature referred and voters approved in May. But rather than simplifying matters, Measure 50 made our tax structure even more complicated. The property-tax savings under 50 were far less than had been advertised--about 2 percent overall--and some homeowners even saw increases in their tax bills. The good news is that the sky did not fall for local governments. Even better news: The Oregon tax system is now so hopelessly broken that much-needed reform may be closer to taking place. At Least the Pizza Will Be Better
It didn't take long for Archbishop Francis E. George to hop out of Puddletown (Archbishop John G. Vlazny replaced him). After leaving the Diocese of Yakima in May 1996 to take the top Catholic post here, George was named the new Archbishop of Chicago in April '97 and quickly learned that the City of Big Shoulders is also the City of Testy Priests. Some of the veteran men of cloth apparently didn't take kindly to George's efforts to dictate what goes on in their Chicago parishes. George claims to be neither liberal nor conservative ("the faith is truth," he said), although he does follow strict Catholic doctrines, opposing abortion, birth control, doctor-assisted suicide and the ordination of women. The archbishop's theological view on thin-crust versus deep-dish are unknown. Funny, I always thought they were in the front...
Proving that anatomical expertise isn't a prerequisite for being a school official, Molalla High principal Michael Nickless made student Tara Wood go home and put on a bra, explaining, "For four or five guys sitting in the back of the classroom, [it] could be a distraction." (Those blackboards in Molalla must be awfully shiny.) School officials defended Nickless' action by citing the school's dress code, which states that students must "dress for success." Pop quiz: When has revealing clothing ever been a detriment to success? Taking Craps
Oregon has long been associated with the color green, but these days the emerald glow comes from stacks of gambling receipts rather than stands of fir. Early in '97, the state negotiated with the Confederated Tribes of the Grand Ronde--who run the Spirit Mountain Casino on their lands--allowing them to add any Las Vegas-style game they chose. In exchange, the tribe agreed that 6 percent of the income from losing gamblers at the roulette wheel or craps table would then go back into the local counties to help support schools and other community projects. Despite the hubbub, cheapskates still rule the casino: The nickel slots remain as popular as ever. Sorry, Wrong (License Plate) Number
It's bad enough that someone would throw a pipe bomb into a car to get revenge following a bout of road rage. It's even worse when you throw it in the wrong car. The supposed target in this case was a 1992 silver Buick, driven by Dan Bogdan, and the culprits were believed to be three men whom Bogdan yelled at during an argument between motorists in late February. Unfortunately, the bumbling bombers first hit a 1995 silver Buick instead, destroying the interior but, since the car was empty, harming no one. A few days later they got it right, the explosion shredding the front seat and punching a hole in Bogdan's roof. Again, no one was hurt. You'd Better Button that Blouse a Little Higher
Everyone remembers the Hubble's earliest struggles with fuzzy images. Now, of course, the problems have been rectified--thanks, in part, to a Beaverton company called Scientific Imaging Technologies Inc., which in February built an additional "eye" for the telescope that enables it to measure a star's light output. Strangely enough, the same type of equipment, known as a charge-coupled device, is used in biopsy systems to detect breast cancer. This poses an interesting question: Given the fear of using satellites for spying, do we now need to worry that Big Brother is looking down our shirts? Odds of Getting Away With It: Zero in a Million
If you're tired of buying scratch-off lottery tickets and losing, you can try Ronald Brown's more extreme method of getting dough: Rob the lottery machines themselves. In February, Brown walked into a Tigard deli with a shotgun and demanded the clerk give him money. But not from the register. No, Brown, who claimed to be a gambling addict, wanted some poetic justice, and therefore only asked for the cash from the lottery ticket dispenser to repay his losses (with a little extra). He might've made a successful getaway, but unfortunately he had been in the store earlier, chatting with the clerk and even introducing himself by name. That made it pretty easy for the cops to track him down. Two words to remember for next time, Ron: Ski mask.
Brews in the News
If ya like yer suds cold and yer stocks hot, you probably cheered the April sale of a
percentage of the local Widmer microbrewery to Anheuser-Busch. If, on the other hand, you're a beer purist, the deal probably left a taste in your mouth as bad as the skunky ale that is pumped out of St. Louis. The tasteless Bud maker bought only a minority interest in Widmer, but the deal has given the microbrew a chance for national distribution. This is more important now than ever, as macrobrew kings like AB and Miller attempt to slow the rise of microbrew sales by using corporate clout to frighten distributors away from the smaller brands. Anheuser-Busch's pushy tactics also alerted the Justice Department, which is investigating how such business practices affect other small-craft brewers and whether the wee ones can survive. Another joining of the brewing troops was supposed to occur between struggling Nor'Wester and Vijay Mallya. The Indian investor originally offered $9 million for 26 percent of the company (later lessened to $5.5 million for 40 percent) in the hopes of adding it to his beer syndicate, United Breweries of America. Negotiations fell apart in September, and the heavily in-the-red Nor'Wester had to shut down. Fortunately, Lake Oswego's Saxer Brewing bought the rights to Nor'Wester's line of beers so enthusiasts could enjoy the combined output of both brands. No Goodwill
Johnathan Boettcher joined the Salvation Army's drug-rehab program to kick his addiction, and then the Christian soldiers kicked him out because he was gay. At least, so charged Boettcher's $2 million lawsuit, claiming the Christian-values organization, whose money comes from its thrift-store profits, harassed him and forced him to leave its residential counseling program after an employee saw him marching in the annual Gay Pride Parade. The lawsuit alleged that Salvation Army officials called his lifestyle "a sin against God." Zap! Bang! Pow!
The year's biggest business news in Portland was the battle over the $3.2 billion Enron/PGE merger. In one corner, Oregon's Public Utilities Commission (protecting ratepayers). In the other, Houston-based energy giant Enron (protecting stockholders). The two duked it out over things like "stranded costs" and "depreciating rate structures." Although the tenacious PUC, the state body charged with regulating local utilities, eventually forced Enron to promise rate cuts of $141 million, the real battle is likely to come this year, when the PUC reviews the specific proposals Enron offered in September for deregulating the electricity industry. Their Attic Must Be Huge...
The world's biggest pack rats--those lovely folks at the Smithsonian Institution--boxed up some of their stuff this year and took it on the road. Portland's turn to check out the knickknacks came when the tour hit the Expo Center for about five weeks in April. Lifetime Northwesterners finally got the chance to see stuff that'd previously been visible only to visitors of Washington, D.C.--everything from historical relics to Hollywood memorabilia: the Apollo 14 capsule, Jurassic Park-style insects in amber, a Star Trek phaser, the top hat John Wilkes Booth blasted off Abe Lincoln's head, and 300 other such treasures. Perhaps the most amazing thing about it was that baggage handlers didn't break any century-old ceramic vases or ancient axes during transportation. Try getting that kind of service next time you move.SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION Like, nice pirouette, man!
Everyone's probably heard that Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon can be used as an alternate soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz. And that's cool for potheads with nothing better to do. But what about ballet fans? The Oregon Ballet Theater decided to find out what would happen if it mixed the classic-rock opus about insanity with tutus and slippers, doing a repeat performance of the 1995 show titled Go Ask Alice in early March. The ballet probably marked the only time that "tripping" during a Pink Floyd album was considered a bad thing--not to mention it was also probably the only time the words "plié" and "dude" ever appeared in the same sentence. Thou Shalt Not Worship Teen Idols
You'd never expect a music festival's biggest problem would be popularity, but that's what happened to Jesus Northwest. For 21 years, the three-day event drew religiously devoted fans from all over the Pacific Northwest, but in November organizers decided it was too much: vendors made too much money, the artists got too much attention...and maybe the kids had too much fun dancing. In any case, the festival's organizers at the People's Church of Salem decided the idolatry given to performers like Michael W. Smith and Carman verged on, well, worship, so they decided to cancel this year's festival while they determined how to make it less commercial. No word on a possible
resurrection. Banking on Inequality
When Portland-based U.S. Bancorp merged with Minnesota's First Bank Systems on Aug. 1, more than 2,000 employees of the local financial stalwart lost their jobs. Why? To cut the costs of the merger, a company spokesperson explained. Then, to celebrate this new-found frugality, three top executives paid themselves tax-free bonuses totaling more than $25 million: U.S. Bancorp Chairman Gerry Cameron was treated to a lump sum of $12.41 million, while vice chairman Bob Sznewajs and executive vice president Gary Duim got a mere $7 million each. These payments were, of course, in addition to their regular income. "I'm numb," Cameron said about the deal. So were more than 2,000 other folks. St. Barge vs. the Dragon
It was a cool April evening, and the Dragon Swoosh's crew, Nike employees all, were practicing in their dragon boat for the upcoming Rose Festival races. Unbeknownst to the clueless competitors, doom was racing toward them in the form of a 150-foot river barge speeding down the Willamette. The unlit dragon boat was struck and shredded, and the 26 female rowers were dumped into the water, some sucked underneath the large vessel, unable to swim or breathe. Then, just as quickly as it happened, it was over: The barge was past, the life jackets did their job, and no hands were lost at sea. Total damages: 1 Dragon Swoosh destroyed, 4 slight injuries (bruises, broken limb, hypothermia), 52 soaked sneakers. Nike officials blamed the near disaster on a lack of experience (and lights) on the dragon boat, but some suspect other forces were at work. During that same month, Nike created a new "Air" logo that was supposed to resemble flames. Alas, it also suspiciously resembled the Arabic word for "Allah." Muslims protested that sweaty, stinky shoes would disrespect their god, so Nike apologized, recalled the offending footwear and went back to the drawing board--though we doubt "Air Jesus" (Just Bless It?) sneakers will grace our sidewalks anytime soon. Nike wasn't the only shoe company with egg on its feet. Reebok goofed by naming a new line of sneakers "Incubus," after the mythological sex-demons who impregnate women with demon-seed while they sleep. Yeah, oops is right. And you thought the chili was explosive...
Why skip school when you can blow it up? That was probably the reasoning of two 12-year-old girls this February, but, lacking fissionable material, they merely phoned in a bomb threat and caused an evacuation instead. In an even more inventive move, they told the school secretary that the explosive was hidden in the mashed potatoes, forcing authorities to search the kitchen for the potentially lethal object (the bomb, that is, not the day's special). Unfortunately for the Junior Kaczynskis, the wily phone secretary star-69ed 'em and traced the call to North Portland, leading to their arrest. Police believe they had pulled similar stunts with other schools. Livability? What's That?
One of Portland's greatest alleged assets--and one of the main reasons people are flooding into the city quicker than the Willamette--is its supposed "livability," a term that mashes cost-of-living, availability of public services, and other elements into a vague definition of a quality lifestyle. The truth about the Rose City is a bit thornier, though, according to a July report that ranked Portland second-worst in the United States for costly housing. The study, done by the National Association of Home Builders, analyzed the average cost of homes, the median family income of the area, property taxes, insurance rates and interest rates, then arrived at a harsh conclusion: Only San Francisco is less affordable than Portland (and at least they have big-league baseball and football teams). Combine that fact with a September survey by the Northwest Pilot Project indicating a continual loss of low-income housing downtown and one soon realizes that Portland can be considered "livable" only to those with wealth engh to enjoy it. The Warp on Drugs
When cops busted into the Alternative Health Center on Sept. 24, they weren't looking for a smoking gun, but a smoking pipe. Although clinic director Diane Densmore insists the clinic operators sold the drug for medicinal purposes, the cops contend the center was selling marijuana to regular users. (The cops claim that undercover agents had bought there without so much as a doctor's note showing they were sick.) Densmore's cause wasn't helped when the police found eight pounds of marijuana in the building's basement, which Densmore had told them was empty. In any case, lawmakers maintain that the drug is illegal under any circumstances, no matter how beneficial the results may (or may not) be to one's health. The Warp on Drugs II
It seemed like a good idea: On Friday, May 16, kids were allowed to visit OMSI for free as part of a "Say No to Drugs" campaign that also involved a march from Waterfront Park to
the science museum. And that's all well and good, of course. Then again, OMSI is also the site of Portland's only IMAX theater and planetarium--and think about who loves going to those "Laser Zeppelin" light shows or getting queasy watching that big IMAX screen. Here's a hint: Their eyes are red even when it's not hay-fever season. Trunnion Stew
Is it a rare, poisonous vegetable that looks like a tomato but tastes like an onion? Or a type of toe rash? Most local folks probably don't know exactly what a "trunnion" is, but it certainly cut a few new worry lines into commuter faces when the I-5 bridge closed in mid-September. In fact, a trunnion is an axle for one of the 12-foot pulley-wheels that operate the bridge's lift system, and transportation officials decided to replace it. The hype and hullabaloo that surrounded the announced closure were far more nerve-wracking than the delays themselves, which were minimized by shrewd planning, a choice of mass transit options, smart car pooling and huge bonuses for the workers, who finished well ahead of schedule. This was one time everyone--except the folks in the newscopters--was happy that the reality didn't live up to the hype. Yee-Haw! Let's Go Shopping!
For the first time in its nine-year history, the Preparedness Expo--that mobile mini-mall for paramilitary "patriots"--came to Portland. For three days in early August, vendors at the event sold survival equipment, militia fashions and crypto-fascist literature such as Victor Marsden's The Protocols of Zion. Guest speakers included Bo Gritz, the former Green Beret turned anti-government activist who negotiated between the FBI and Randy Weaver during the Ruby Ridge siege of '92. A few civil-rights leaders decried the event for preaching intolerance of non-Christians and non-Caucasians, but the success of the Expo proves that, while Portland continues to become more urbane every day, we've still got our share of good ol' boys to keep things interesting. Valdez Jr.
Perhaps it wasn't an ecological disaster of Exxon proportions, but 500 gallons of oil spilled into the North Willamette on Feb. 1. No one claimed responsibility, so while crews cleaned up the mess, the Coast Guard did some investigating and traced the gunk back to a 16,000-ton tank ship called the Handy Gunner. Apparently the spill occurred when the grain-carrying vessel was under repair while docked. Although the clean-up cost an estimated $120,000, there seemed to be no cost to local wildlife. Red, White and Green
Thanks to the preeminence of the Trail Blazers, Portland is often seen as a one-sport town. But 25,000 fans proved that image wrong on Sunday, Sept. 7, when they packed old Civic Stadium to watch the U.S. soccer team beat Costa Rica, 1-0. (The U.S. victory came on a field of natural grass placed on top of the stadium's AstroTurf.) The crowd was said to be the most rambunctious in America, according to team members who felt inspired by the enthusiastic, plastic-bat-bashing throngs. That prompted the U.S. Soccer Federation to consider holding more international events here in the future. But the real question should be, why doesn't Civic Stadium have natural grass all the time? Do we really think the Rockies prefer playing on a surface better suited for putt-putt? Fall Down,Go Boom
It had everything going for it--hi-tech devices with sexy acronyms and a manly name to match. KATU Channel 2's JetRanger I, half of the station's kick-butt "Power of Two" helicopter team, was poised to win the Portland newscopter wars with its bro, JetRanger II. Until something went terribly wrong. While engaged in the highly journalistic pursuit of, um, harvesting Christmas trees, JetRanger I crashed Nov. 8 in Washington County. (No one was hurt.) It seems the helicopter, leased from Hillsboro Aviation, was making extra cash doing Christmas tree work on the side. But never fear--the great dearth of useful information left by the copter's departure will soon be filled by an all-new JetRanger I, which, like its predecessor, will be strapped with a high-tech "FLIR" camera. The best thing about the son-of-JetRanger I, though, is that it will have an "exclusive" lease--meaning absolutely no Christmas trees.
Freddy's Dead
Forget all the debating: Doctor-assisted suicide is here, and it was used long before voters passed the measure (for a second time) in November. Well, maybe "vet-assisted euthanasia" is a more proper way to put it. This year, two beloved but old animals at Washington Park Zoo were eased into eternal sleep by keepers who cared too much to watch them suffer. First to go was Freddy, the 37-year-old hippo who had become so arthritic and bedsore that he could neither stand nor sleep comfortably; he was put down in April. More fanfare met the death of Belle, the 45-year-old elephant who had been one of the zoo's most famous residents. It was 35 years ago that Belle gave birth to Packy, the first elephant born in captivity in the Western Hemisphere for almost 50 years (and the subject of a popular mural at Saturday Market). Earlier this year, though, zoo doctors had discovered that Belle suffered from foot rot, a bacterial infection common in elephants, and amputated part of a toe in March in an effort to stop the sease from spreading. Hopeful post-operative diagnoses soon turned sour, and on April 22, just a few days after the death of Freddy, Belle, too, was euthanized. All the animals' friends and keepers agreed that the zoo had made the right the decision. The Yes on 51 committee was unavailable for comment. Bad Medicine
Portland's become a hot spot for trendy transplants, but that doesn't mean they have good taste. When Jon Bon Jovi put on a free show Aug. 4 in Pioneer Courthouse Square, almost 10,000 people showed up. Yes, that's ten thousand. And yes, that's the same Jon Bon Jovi who ruled airwaves and ruined eardrums in the 1980s with such pop-metal pabulum as "I'll Be There for You," "Blaze of Glory" and "Living on a Prayer." Fortunately, Bon Jovi's got a new look these days, so no teen-agers on leave from the mall had to be treated for swooning spells, but no doubt many listeners' musical tastes suffered permanent damage.
Sadder than S.A.D.
What's wrong with being a city of old, single, low-income, hard-drinking honkies? Plenty, it seems. Oregon has long had a suicide rate higher than the national average. You could obviously, as those mental-health experts in Milli Vanilli once said, "blame it on the rain," but a study from late November by the Oregon Health Division says the causes are more complex than that. Elements such as old age, skin color (specifically, white), low income, single or divorced status, a low degree of education, and alcoholism all contribute to suicidal thoughts, the report said--and Oregon ranks higher than much of the U.S. in all those categories. Having Our Keiko and Eating It Too
What's it like to have millions of dollars staked on whether or not you have pimples? Just ask Keiko, the teen-age whale. Handlers of the movie-star orca are in a tizzy about his health, but Keiko's problems run deeper than his current case of the zits. Though the Oregon Coast Aquarium and the Free Willy Keiko Foundation both insist they just want him to run free with his long-lost ocean brothers, they are still engaged in a legal battle over who gets a cut in Keiko's million-dollar profits. The Free Willy Foundation owns the whale, and the aquarium owns the tank; the two parties have been in arbitration over contract disputes since October. No word yet on whether Keiko is ready to fend for himself on the outside, nor whether a giant tube of Oxy 10 has been ordered to take care of his unsightly blemishes. Old Hippies Don't Die...
...they just get rich and renovate deserted buildings. 1997 was perhaps the McMenamin Brothers' biggest year yet for remaking Oregon's history in their own image, thanks to a pair of long-closed landmarks: the Crystal Ballroom and the Kennedy School. The former had been shut down for three decades until the microbrew mavens bought it, did $3 million worth of cleaning and seismic upgrading, and opened its doors on Feb. 19. The Kennedy School had remained dormant for less time (from the mid-'70s to late last October), but the project was equally impressive. They turned classrooms into bedrooms, so you can doze off without guilt. They turned the gymnasium into a music hall... just in case you really wanted to relive those days of awful classic-rock jam-bands playing under a basketball net, dude (see above). Most fittingly, they transformed the detention hall into a cigar bar. Berkeley Meets the Brooks Brothers
First it was Saabs with "Steal Your Face" stickers. Then the Jerry Garcia line of ties. Now, the hippies have finally sealed their fate as suit-wearing sell-outs: In 1997, a new Portland company began selling tie-dye dress shirts. The company, called Indian Paint Brush, started when Robert Reames decided to get a bit goofy and toss his button-down shirt in with the T-shirts he was dyeing. The result was a color-splattered success at his local office, prompting Reames to start a business that--exhibiting the capitalistic sense that pervades all post-'60s hippieness --turns $2 thrift-store shirts into $25 novelties. Even weirder: Although 10 percent of profits go to charity, the cause of choice is the 100 Club of Oregon, which benefits the families of police officers and firefighters killed in the line of duty. A worthy cause--but didn't hippies and cops used to be sworn enemies? What a strange trip, indeed. Sticky Fingers in the Supreme Court
"Hands are part of the communicative process," former Oregon Supreme Court Judge Ed Fadeley said when asked to explain his affectionate attitude toward female colleagues. First accused of sexual harassment by his judicial assistant Kiska Johnson, he soon found himself in court in January over additional allegations from other women. Fadeley, a legislative expert, claimed he didn't know of any law forbidding office relationships, nor did he recall kissing a temp on the mouth or commenting to another colleague, "I like your pantyhose." In May, the state Judicial Fitness Commission recommended his suspension, but Fadeley resigned on his own Dec. 18 so he could get treatments for throat cancer.
To Harness, or Not to Harness
Portlanders were stunned when three steelworkers at Portland International Airport's garage expansion were killed July 31 after a second-story steel wall collapsed. Adding to the tragedy was the fact that the men were tethered by safety harnesses to the very wall that crushed them. Though many steelworkers insist that safety harnesses save lives, the airport tragedy has stirred new debate about whether steelworkers should be required to rope up. So far, two of the men's families have filed lawsuits against airport contractors for poor planning and inspections at the site. Rain, Rain, Go Away
Last year, it rained in Portland. "Yeah, so what?" you may ask. "That ain't news." No, but what is news is that it rained more last year than ever before. When the "water year" ended in early October, 58.95 inches had fallen on our heads, breaking the record of 55.31 inches set the previous year. More than 28 of those inches fell between November '96 and January '97. Compared with the rest of the state, however, that was nothin': Salem topped the 60-inch mark, and poor Astoria got socked by more than 100 inches. The precipitation fell off its record-setting pace over the summer, and meteorologists predict a surprisingly dry winter in '98. --Jessie Seyfer contributed to this year's Buzz that Was. |
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