[July 2nd, 2008]

Nothing says “4th of July” like a basket of jalapeño poppers. They can be found mostly in bars and fast-food restaurants (like Americans!), they liberate the best in other cultures (like Americans!) and they feel like fireworks in your mouth.

Because we believe in this country, WW’s resident greasy-meal experts, Casey Jarman and Aaron Mesh, traveled to five local (and not so local) establishments to find the best of the fried peppers-and-cream cheese concoctions. (They’re bastardized chiles rellenos, but they immigrated. Legally.) “You’re going to feel like shit by the end of the day,” a waitress warned us as she set down a plate of patriotism. And we did feel like shit. Oh, sweet Dolly Madison, did we ever feel like shit. But do you know what else we felt like? Americans.

ARBY’S
3171 N Lombard St., 735-3841

The jalapeño bites themselves ($2.89 for five, $4.59 for 10) are undistinguished—the cream cheese is like water with some powdered cheese sprinkled conservatively on top. But oh, that Bronco Berry sauce! Naturally, it contains no berries (it’s mostly corn syrup), but it’s bright red and it makes everything taste better. We ask for several more packets to take with us, in case the other sauces we encounter aren’t up to snuff.

Popper grade: 3/5. Sauce grade: 4.5/5.

Popper Eats: Arby's Poppers with Broncoberry Sauce from localcut on Vimeo.

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THE ALIBI
4024 N Interstate Ave., 287-5335

Wow! The sauce that comes with the eight poppers ($8.95) in this Polynesian karaoke bar is a three-layer dip: barbecue base, sweet-and-sour with pineapple chunks and a swirl of sour cream. There’s even a slice of baked apple on the side. It’s an experience much like the Alibi itself—kaleidoscopic, and eventually overwhelming. Good thing the sauce is special, because the poppers are exactly the same as the ones at Arby’s. “Don’t they all just come frozen from Sysco?” asks our waitress. We hadn’t thought of that when we started.

Popper grade: 3/5. Sauce grade: 4/5.

Popper Eats: Alibi Poppers with Three-Layer Sauce from localcut on Vimeo.

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SALVADOR MOLLY’S
1523 SW Sunset Blvd., 293-1790

We drive several miles to this fabled tropical oasis, only to learn that they don’t serve poppers. Instead, they offer Great Balls of Fire, which are technically “habanero cheese fritters” ($2.50 for one, $7.95 for five) served with habanero dip. They look like poppers (well, more like something out of Arrested Development’s Cornballer). They smell like poppers. They taste like Satan’s testicles. The burning! The flames! Oh, why? WHY, GOD, WHY? Our waiter says the record for ball-swallowing at one sitting is 40. Recently, he adds, a registered nurse consumed two on an empty stomach. “She just, like, passed out.”

Popper grade: HOT. Sauce grade: HOT.

Popper Eats: Great Balls of Fire from localcut on Vimeo.

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SAFEWAY
1030 SW Jefferson St., 205-1860

We refuse to eat that. The 69-cent popper looks like it has been cracking under the heat lamp for three weeks. No amount of Bronco Berry sauce can make this right.

Popper grade: unknown. Sauce grade: 3.5/5 (you can’t go wrong with sweet-and-sour).

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JACK IN THE BOX
2260 NW Wilson St., 224-2267

And yet…there’s something about the Jack in the Box stuffed jalapeños ($1.59 for three, $2.89 for seven) that keeps us coming back. Sure, the sauces are pedestrian—calling ranch “buttermilk sauce” doesn’t make it anything other than ranch—but oh, the cheeses crammed into that little vegetable: cream cheese, cheddar, Monterey Jack, Parmesan and Romano. They are vulgar. They are thrilling. They are Tom Cruise giving the finger to the MiG. As usual, though, BYO Bronco Berry.

Popper grade: 4.5/5. Sauce grade: 3/5.

^Headout Picks

THURSDAY JULY 3

[MUSIC] THE LONG WINTERS, THE BUILDERS AND THE BUTCHERS

Whether Long Winters frontman John Roderick is complaining about unsalted butter, ribbing high-school students or wearing his heart boldly on his sleeve, he’s always been brilliant. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 9 pm. $12 advance, $14 day of show. All ages.

[BLUES] WATERFRONT BLUES FEST

To say the blues fest is cool this year is an understatement, because Isaac Hayes, who practically invented cool, is playing tonight. And the fun continues all weekend long. Don’t worry, they’re loose about the whole “blues” thing, so you won’t have to hear about anyone’s “mean ol’ woman” too many times. Tom McCall Waterfront Park, Southwest Naito Parkway between Southwest Harrison and Northwest Glisan streets. Daily Thursday-Sunday July 3-6. $10, plus two cans of nonperishable food. All ages. Visit waterfrontbluesfest.com for full schedule.

FRIDAY JULY 4

[GO USA] FIREWORKS!!!

The whole city flames on with patriotic whiz-bang tonight. The big daddy of fireworks displays takes place courtesy of the Waterfront Blues Fest (see above, 10:05 pm. Free). Nearby, the Beavers team celebrates certain baseball victory over the Tacoma Rainiers with center-field fireworks at PGE Park (1844 SW Morrison St., 224-4400. Tickets $8-$14. Game starts 7 pm. Fireworks to follow). Meanwhile, funmaker Oaks Amusement Park blasts off with both carnies and firepower (7805 SE Oaks Park Way, 233-5777, 9:55 pm fireworks. $4 for adults and $2.50 for anyone under 15).

[SCREEN] BAGHEAD

Sony Pictures Classics premieres the new drama from the Duplass brothers (The Puffy Chair) here, weeks before New York and Los Angeles get to see it. You hear that, L.A.? We get to see it first! Go cry yourself to sleep in your pile of cocaine! Fox Tower Stadium 10, 846 SW Park Ave., 221-3280. Multiple showtimes.

SATURDAY JULY 5

[MUSIC] DRAGONFORCE, POWERGLOVE

This is music so candy-coated it shouldn’t even rock anymore. But it does. The dudes from DragonForce are forging careers as the undisputed masters of fantasy metal. Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave., 224-2038. 8 pm. $23. All ages.

TUESDAY JULY 8

[PERFORMANCE] JAW 2008

Portland Center Stage’s annual playwrights festival kicks off. Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Thursday, July 8-10. Free.