CURSE YOU, RED BARON: André Rieu at the Rose Garden, Tuesday.

STAGE

8 Views Towards Center

[OPENS FRIDAY] A new play about the meaning of womanhood, by Portlander Francesca Sanders. Integrity Productions at Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 286-3456. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 4 pm Sundays. Opens Oct. 4. $15.

Chocolate Confessions

A veritable gorge-fest of saccharine sweetness and ooey, gooey cocoa-cuteness, Freed's Chocolate Confessions delivers the type of vaudevillian corniness and banana-peel humor aimed to please the palates of those who delight in groan-inducing puns and jazz hands. You have to admit that Freed is skilled at what she does—she sings! She dances! She writes original tunes as tributes to Betty Crocker, and she transforms classic songs like "Mrs. Robinson" into ditties about a 31-flavor ice-cream empire!—but this much sugar is bad for you. ANNIE BETHANCOURT. World Trade Center Theater, 25 SW Salmon St., 784-6220. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Nov. 18. $29-$31.

Cabaret

See review, right. Portland Center Stage at the Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 and 7:30 pm Sundays, 2 pm Oct. 6 and 20, noon Oct. 4, 11 and 18. Closes Nov. 4. $18.50-$63.50.

Camelot

[CLOSES SUNDAY] Lou Diamond Phillips is King Arthur in a rewritten, updated version of Lerner and Loewe's classic musical about the Kennedys. Broadway Across America at Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 241-1802. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Friday, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday, 1 and 6:30 pm Sunday. Closes Oct. 7. $23-$68.

Double Feature

[OPENS FRIDAY] Two original one-acts, written and directed by Imago's Jerry Mouawad: "The Father-thing," inspired by a Philip K. Dick story about a body-snatching alien, and "Serial Killer Parents," about, well, the parents of a serial killer. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 231-9581. 7:30 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays. Opens Oct. 5. $15-$22.

Ghosts of Celilo

See review, right. Artists Repertory Theatre at the Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7:30 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 14. $40.50-$50.

Grace

See review, right. Third Rail Repertory at Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 235-1101. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 27. $16-$25.

Honk! The Ugly Duckling Musical

[OPENS FRIDAY] It's Hans Christian Andersen's beloved fable, now with music by George Stiles. Northwest Children's Theater and School, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. 7 pm Fridays, 2 and 7 pm Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Opens Oct. 5. $16-$20.

House & Garden

Although these interlocking comedies by Alan Ayckbourn—performed simultaneously on Artists Rep's two stages by the same cast—can be enjoyed individually, it's as impossible to perform one without the other as it would be to stage them. Both involve one day in the lives of several couples at an English estate. House, a well-constructed "traditional" drama, is set in the sitting room; Garden, a more wild and sporadic show, obviously takes place in the garden. House, full of politicking and negotiation, finds people up to the usual upper-class marital shenanigans, while Garden lets loose the random absurdity of the natural world, with confused people dashing in and out of bushes, dancing in the rain and generally behaving foolishly. The thematic split between the civilized (if vicious) house and the Arcadian garden strongly echoes Shakespeare's As You Like It, even though the experience feels more like Altman's Gosford Park. Overall, it's an ambitious project, and one that could have gone terribly wrong. It hasn't, and Artists Rep can add another feather to its cap. BEN WATERHOUSE. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 and 7:30 pm Sundays, 11 am Oct. 3. Closes Oct. 14. $25-$47, $20 students.

The Illustrated Man

Tobias Andersen, a longtime friend of Ray Bradbury, premieres his solo adaptation of the sci-fi master's revered 1951 story collection. The Osterman Theatre, Clackamas Community College, 19600 Molalla Ave., Oregon City, 657-6958. 7 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2:30 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 14. $10-$20.

The Lesser Magoo

After four seasons, defunkt theatre has finally made it to the last installment of the Crowtet (Mac Wellman's loosely connected quartet chronicling the bizarre adventures of Susannah Curran), a feat only one other company in the country has ever pulled off. This time we see Curran (fresh from a journey to bury the moon with the prophetical Mr. William Hard in last year's Second-Hand Smoke) conducting a brutal job interview in a mysterious office and attending a dinner party that devolves into magical shenanigans in the woods. It takes an almost lunatic courage to pull off a project as obscure and financially untenable as the Crowtet, but there are few companies more courageous than defunkt. Bless 'em, by Great Toothy. BEN WATERHOUSE. The Back Door Theater, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 481-2960. 8 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $10-$15, Thursdays and Sundays are "pay what you will."

Mariela in the Desert

Alternately set in the 1930s and the 1950s, this play by Karen Zacharias tells the story of two artists who move to the desert outside Mexico City with the dream of creating a gathering place for artists such as Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo. But as the years pass, their own work becomes stunted by isolation, the pressure to match the fame of their contemporaries and the struggle for autonomy between husband and wife. The first in Miracle Theater's 2007-08 series of Risk and Rebellion, Mariela in the Desert is a dense, dark play, layered with complexity and brushed with surrealist machinations. Though at times the drama is laid on a little thick, Miracle's actors are unflinching, resulting in a performance that seems part telenovela, part surrealism. STACY RIGER. Miracle Mainstage at the Milagro Theatre, 525 SE Stark St., 236-7253. 7:30 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $18-$20.

The Nerd

You've heard of that book The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life It's probably inspired by this play, about a houseguest who ruins his host's career in one hilariously tragic dinner party, inspiring his friend to take revenge. Public Playhouse at the CoHo Theatre, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 922-0532. 7:30 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $14-$16.

Seascape

Edward Albee's 1975 beachfront drama about love, evolution and giant sea lizards. Yeah, I said lizards. Arts Equity at the Main Street Theater, 606 Main St., Vancouver, 360-695-3770. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $10-$24.

Sun-Clothed Woman

[CLOSES SUNDAY] Carla Damaris Grant brings her autobiographical solo show about religion and apocalyptic prophecy back to town. Hipbone Studio, 1847 E Burnside St., 679-0724. 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 6 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 7. $15.

Thoroughly Modern Millie

Is this new old musical a pastoral girl-gets-boy love story, or is it a period pastiche? Are its characters cartoon vibrant or human flesh and blood? In Lakewood Theatre Company's ramshackle production, directed and choreographed by Milli Hoelscher, this is never clear. Young Millie Dillmount's coming-of-age story in modern Manhattan may be tricked out with all the necessary musical-comedy baubles—bob cuts and flapper dresses, happy tappers and Jeanine Tesori's pleasant jazz-tinged score—but the characters in Rich Morris and Dick Scanlan's wisp of a book, which is both less entertaining and burdened with more race-baiting than the 1967 movie on which the musical is based, rarely register as more than smiley cardboard cutouts. In the title role, Kelly Stewart hits her marks and taps with enthusiasm; she gets competent assistance from Sarah Dresser (as Mrs. Meers), Amanda Valley (Muzzy Van Hossmere) and Sammuel Hawkins (Trevor Graydon). STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. Lakewood Theatre Company at Lakewood Center for the Arts, 368 S State St., Lake Oswego, 635-3901. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 7 pm Sundays, 2 pm Oct. 7, 14 and 21. Closes Oct. 21. $26-$28.

COMEDY

The Comedians of Comedy, stand-up

Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford and Jasper Redd, among others, stop in Portland to promote their new DVD. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave., 224-2038. 8 pm Friday, Oct. 5. $25.

Next Best Thing, "The Prodigal Beau," improv

An "improvised tale of romance" created, as always, from audience suggestions. The Brody Studio, 3314 SW 1st Ave. 8 pm Saturday, Oct. 6. $7-$10.

CLASSICAL

Would You Like an Aria with Those Fries

Portland Opera's affable chorus taskmaster, Robert Ainsley, chats up audiences interested in the opera's next show—Rossini's sparkling La Cenerentola (ahem, Cinderella)—with help from the company's Studio Artists. US Bank Room, Multnomah County Library Central Branch, 801 SW 10th Ave., 988-5123. Noon Friday, Oct. 5. Free.

After Hours Opera

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to make opera "accessible," with offering tuneful favorites to whet appetites for meatier fare, or with pimping "delicious desserts" to get paying patrons in the door. Well, a new touring act in suburban Portland is on to the game, and wants to sell you opera with yards of shtick: "Opera for dummies—It's classical, it's hilarious, it's opera. Say what!?" its website screams. The trio offers (and this is verbatim): "a beautiful blonde soprano, a flirtatious Italian tenor and a stand-up comic pianist...in an interactive show that melds opera, show tunes and laughter." Nancy Emmerich is the blonde, Maurizio Casa is the Italian, and Rodney Menn is the stand-up. Come on, dummies, buy your tickets already. Glenn and Viola Walters Cultural Arts Center, 527 E Main St., Hillsboro, 615-3485. 8 pm Friday, Oct. 5. $25-$27.

Portland Chamber Orchestra in Mozartiana

Yaacov Bergman's chamber band opens its 2007-08 season with a concert hearing of Mozart's one-act college-opera-circuit favorite, The Impresario, with Portland Opera studio artists among the cast. Plus, the master's springy Sinfonia Concertante K.297b and Vancouver Symphony music director-composer Salvador Brotons' new Divertimento alla Mozart. Kaul Auditorium at Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd., 771-3250. 7:30 pm Saturday, Oct. 6. $20-$25.

A Tribute to Ray Charles

This sounds like one of the less offensive pops offerings from the Symphony this season: A group of Portland jazz and blues all-stars (Patrick Lamb, Linda Hornbuckle, Eddie Martinez and Curtis Salgado, among them) converge on the Schnitzer stage with Symphony players and wail out Ray Charles tunes. Who doesn't have Georgia on their mind? Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm Saturday and Monday, 3 pm Sunday, Oct. 6-8. $15-$86.

André Watts in Recital

Will he or won't he? That's the only reasonable question worth considering before buying your tickets to this major pianist's Portland recital: Will Watts again cancel because of oft-cited "health problems," or won't he? He bowed out of two Oregon appearances in the past summer alone. We like Watts and all, but it's hard to recommend a major-league player who rarely gets up to bat. If he comes through, he'll be playing Chopin, Debussy, Liszt and Schubert. Fingers crossed. Antoinette Hatfield Hall at PCPA Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 228-1388. 7:30 Sunday-Monday, Oct. 7-8. $24-$42.

André Rieu in Concert

There is really something exceptional about Dutch violinist André Rieu that puts him in a whole different league from his megastar string-toting colleagues: his hair. When Rieu digs in for another giddy tune in three-quarter time, his full head of curly locks bounces in beat with the music: one-two-three, bounce-bounce-bounce, etc. Rieu—whose recent solo tour took him to Australian, uh, shopping malls—may be criticized as a lowly stepchild to today's real violin prodigies (watch your back, Josh Bell!), but he's pushing an awful lot of product and has clawed his way to the top of the Billboard charts, for better or worse. He's joined by the "Johann Strauss Orchestra," an internationally flavored pick-up band. Rose Garden, One Center Court, 877-789-7673. 8 pm Tuesday, Oct. 9. $55-$65.

DANCE

Jhaveri Sisters

Oh, that naughty Krishna—always getting into trouble! Darshana Jhaveri and her troupe of Indian classical dancers bring to life the young deity's pranks, and illustrate the love between Krishna and Radha, in a concert of Manipuri dance. The dance, which originates in India's northeastern sector, is split into Lasya (feminine) and Tandava (masculine) styles and based on varied musical rhythms. Look, and listen, for clapping and cymbal dances as well. Lecture-demonstration, Raleigh Hills Elementary School auditorium, 5225 SW Scholls Ferry Road, 246-6271. 7:30 pm Thursday. Free. Performance at Evans Auditorium, Lewis & Clark College, 0165 Palatine Hill Road. 8 pm Friday. $15-$20.

Bouand DanceCompany

3 Leg Torso and three denizens of Europe join Bouand DanceCompany as part of its International Choreographers Project. The company, whose express mission is to bring audiences eclectic contemporary and balletic works, offers two selections from artistic director Alexandrous Ballard: The Underlying Structure of Metaphor, set to a musical collage by modern-dance go-to guy Phillip Glass, and Sideshow, billed as a dark theatrical piece accompanied by 3LT's klezmer-tinged chamber music. Pieces by dancemakers Erica Trivett (a freelancer in Belgium), Rachel Tess (who works with Sweden's Rumpus Room Dance Company) and Davy Bruhn (formerly of Lyon Opera Ballet) round out the program. Lincoln Hall, Portland State University, 1620 SW Park Ave., 888-4173. 7:30 pm Friday-Saturday. $22.