THOM PAIN: Less painful than you'd think. Studio Theatre.

STAGE

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Andrew Dickson, Sell Out

?The ex-Portlander demonstrates how he went from self-righteous hipster to Fortune 500 tool. Appropriately, he explains it with a PowerPoint presentation. Slide one: The bums will always lose. Wieden & Kennedy Atrium, 224 NW 13th Ave., 224-7422. 6:30 pm Saturday-Sunday, Sept. 8-9, and Thursday-Friday, Sept. 13-14. $15-$20.?

Balls! Three One-Act Plays by Alan Ball

?[NEW REVIEW] Armed with Academy Award-winning screenwriter Alan Ball's acerbic words, Director Jennie Lee makes her Portland directorial debut with three hilarious one-act stabs at life's nasty superficiality. "Your Mother's Butt" starts the session by lashing out at pathological consumerism. Next comes the beautifully poisonous chemistry between actors Joanna Burgess and Kendall Wells as they struggle for ideal images in "Made for a Woman." Ball then wrenches open the Pandora's box of sexuality and manipulation in the chaotic finale of "Power Lunch." This zany collection of plays levels a concise indictment of the modern malaise, but without straying too far from genuine knee-slappers. WILLIAM CRAWFORD. The 3~Moment Players at the CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes Sept. 22. $15.?

Chocolate Confessions

?[OPENS FRIDAY] Five years later, the popular one-woman musical comedy about the therapeutic powers of sugar, created and performed by Lake Oswego's Joan Freed, returns. Word Trade Center Theater, 25 SW Salmon St., 784-6220. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Opens Sept. 14. $29-$31.?

A Doll's House

?Another audience member described this updated staging as "people standing around, beating each other with the verbal equivalent of Wiffle bats." That about sums it up. Director Mary McDonald-Lewis had the best of intentions in moving Ibsen's humanist classic from 1870s Norway to 1950s America, but the idea backfires: Nora, the play's naive protagonist, comes off more stupid and self-centered than trapped and misused. What, with a maid and a nanny taking care of the household, does this woman do all day? Stiff performances make the almost-three-hour show tough to sit through, leaving plenty of time to eyeball the "midcentury modern" set, most of which happens to be for sale. Shop away! BEN WATERHOUSE. Theatre Vertigo at Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 306-0870. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes Sept. 22. $15.?

Elevator Repair Service, Gatz

?TBA's seen some endurance-testing performances over the past five years, but this one takes the cake: The New York-based performance group reads every last word in F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby over the course of about six hours (with breaks). The show's been a terrific hit, receiving rave reviews in Minneapolis, Seattle and festivals around Europe. Imago Theatre 17 SE 8th Ave., 224-7422. 4-11:45 pm Friday, 3-10:45 pm Saturday-Sunday, Sept. 14-16. $25-$30.?

House & Garden

?[NEW REVIEW] Although these interlocking comedies by Alan Ayckbourn—performed simultaneously on Artists Rep's two stages by the same cast—can be enjoyed individually, it's as impossible to perform one without the other as it would be to stage them. Both involve one day in the lives of several couples at an English estate. House, a well-constructed "traditional" drama, is set in the sitting room; Garden, a more wild and sporadic show, obviously takes place in the garden. House, full of politicking and negotiation, finds people up to the usual upper-class marital shenanigans, while Garden lets loose the random absurdity of the natural world with confused people dashing in and out of bushes, dancing in the rain and generally behaving foolishly. The thematic split between the civilized (if vicious) house and the Arcadian garden strongly echoes Shakespeare's As You Like It, even though the experience feels more like Altman's Gosford Park. Very much like Altman, the action flows by in crashes and spurts, appropriately for a show with a central metaphors involving a clogged fountain and broken china. Both plays are well directed by John Kretzu and Alan Naus and joyfully performed by an enormous ensemble of many of the city's finest actors, and both will make for a satisfying evening. If you see just one, though, see House, which makes more sense on its own. Overall, it's an ambitious project, and one that could have gone terribly wrong. It hasn't, and Artists Rep can add another feather to its cap. BEN WATERHOUSE. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 and 7:30 pm Sundays, 11 am Sept. 26 and Oct. 3. Closes Oct. 14. $25-$47, $20 students.?

The Lesser Magoo

??See review. The Back Door Theater, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 481-2960. 8 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $10-$15, Thursdays and Sundays are "pay what you will."?

"Love Is a Many Screwed-Up Thing"

?[SHORT RUN] Readers Theatre Repertory kicks off its 2007 season with Samuel Schwartz's Vito on the Beach and Jonathan Marc Sherman's Women and Wallace, two short plays about damaged people. Blackfish Gallery, 420 NW 9th Ave., 295-4997. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, Sept. 14-15. $8.?

A Midsummer Night's Dream

?[OPENS FRIDAY] Puck, Bottom and the rest frolic in the Athenian woods. Northwest Classical Theatre Company at the Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th Ave., 971-244-3740. 7 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Sept. 30. $12-$18.?

Nature Theater of Oklahoma, No Dice

?The latest production of the New York-based performance group whose Poetics: A Ballet Brut was the surprise hit of last year's festival, No Dice is a four-hour epic take on American dinner theater, complete with a ham-sandwich break. There's no script—the dialogue, culled from over 100 hours of interviews with ordinary people, is piped into the actors' ears through the iPods they wear throughout the performance. Art Institute of Portland, 1122 NW Davis St., 224-7422. 6:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday, Sept. 11-16. $20 PICA members, $25 general.?

Peace

?This adaptation of Aristophanes' pacifist play asks what would happen if we quit warfare for good, thanks to a farmer riding a dung beetle. Good question! Classic Greek Theatre of Oregon at Reed College's Cerf Theatre, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. 4 pm Saturdays-Sundays, noon Sept. 20-21, 26-28. Opens Sept. 8. $10-$20.?

Hand2Mouth Theatre, Repeat After Me

?The eclectic local performance ensemble presents the second Portland run of this wild orgy of Americana through popular song, from "My Country 'Tis of Thee" to "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" by way of Neil Diamond and 2 Live Crew. Over the past eight months of rehearsal, the show has found a more concrete focus: the nation at war. Not necessarily this war, or the last war, but the ever-present state of conflict that has defined America since its inception. Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 224-7422. 8:30 pm Tuesday-Friday, 4:30 and 8:30 pm Saturday, Sept. 11-15. $15-$20. Mature audiences.?

Sight Unseen

?[ONE NIGHT ONLY] In anticipation of its season-opener, Donald Margulies' Collected Stories, CoHo Productions presents a staged reading of the playwright's Obie-winning Sight Unseen. The CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 220-2646. 7 pm Monday, Sept. 17. $5.?

Young Jean Lee, Songs of the Dragons Flying to Heaven

?This Korean-born actress-writer-director is one part comic race-baiting provocateur (à la Dave Chappelle), one part chronicler-slash-commentator of societal ills, and too many parts to count theater artist of enormous promise. She's one of New York's hottest current non-commercial theater talents. Most playwrights start a script with an idea that moves them; Lee starts by fantasizing about the type of play that would make her physically ill to write. Then she makes herself write it. Such was the case with this conspicuously flowery-titled and joyfully self-knowing piece about "the Korean-American experience," which deconstructs ideas of self, identity and culture in script, song and dance. STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 224-7422. 6:30 pm Friday-Sunday, Sept. 14-16. $20-$25. Mature audiences.?

Thom Pain (Based on Nothing)

?[CLOSES SATURDAY] This one-hour, one-man brood-fest by Will Eno is pretty great: East Coast import Matthew DiBiasio gives a terrific performance as the self-obsessed title character, striding stiffly around the stage, disgusted with the audience and with himself, occasionally drifting off into long, awkward periods of silent contemplation. He's really good at this, and director Devon Allen has done a fine job steering his interpretation of a frustrating and enigmatic character. But there's the problem: What is this thing? Over the course of an hour, you watch a sweating, grumbling man in tweed work his way through a lifetime of stuttered observations and minor sufferings, passing through every annoying trope of solo theater—the confession, the awkward silence, the direct address, the mandatory and pointless audience participation—and pushing them over as he goes. As an understated spoof of a chronically terrible genre, it's genius. But the other thing, the tedious griping about American disillusionment, well, we've seen it all before. Many times. Like, in every play Sam Shepard every wrote. BEN WATERHOUSE. Studio Theatre, Lincoln Hall, room 115, 1620 SW Park St., 333-6096. 7:30 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes Sept. 16. ?

Thoroughly Modern Millie

?[NEW REVIEW] Is this new old musical a pastoral girl-gets-boy love story, or is it a period pastiche? Are its characters cartoon vibrant or human flesh and blood? In Lakewood Theatre Company's ramshackle production, directed and choreographed by Milli Hoelscher, this is never clear. Young Millie Dilmount's coming-of-age story in modern Manhattan may be tricked out with all the necessary musical comedy baubles—bob cuts and flapper dresses, happy tappers and Jeanine Tesori's pleasant jazz-tinged score—but the characters in Rich Morris and Dick Scanlan's wisp of a book, which is both less entertaining and burdened with more race-baiting than the 1967 movie on which the musical is based, rarely register as more than smiley cardboard cutouts. In the title role, Kelly Stewart hits her marks and taps with enthusiasm; she gets competent assistance from Sarah Dresser (as Mrs. Meers), Amanda Valley (Muzzy Van Hossmere) and Sammuel Hawkins (Trevor Graydon). STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. Lakewood Theatre Company at Lakewood Center for the Arts, 368 S State St., Lake Oswego, 635-3901. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 7 pm Sundays; 2 pm Sept. 16, Oct. 7, 14 and 21. Closes Oct. 21. $26-$28.?

Holcombe Waller, Into the Dark Unkown: The Hope Chest

?One part intellectual (he studied physics, then switched majors to studio art), one part spiritual (he hangs with Radical Faeries and is 95 percent vegan) and two parts political (he dissed Condi Rice on his album Troubled Times), the title for Waller's TBA show, Into the Dark Unknown: The Hope Chest, describes the space where this enigmatic, queer, sociopolitical pop singer-songwriter explores when he performs. BB. Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 224-7422. 8:30 pm Thursday-Saturday. Sept. 13-15. $7-$10. 21+.?

Claude Wampler, Performance (Career Ender)

?In N.Y. artist Claude Wampler's most recent pieces, she's been hopelessly blurring the lines between stage and crowd, static and performative, rehearsal and the main show. Expect to be messed with. Also, this isn't a career-ender, either. She lied. Good. MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 224-7422. 6:30 and 8:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday, Sept. 12-16. $15-$20. Reservations required.?

For more Time-Based Art Festival performances, see pica.org.

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CLASSICAL

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Marlise Stroebe in Recital

?If Google is to be believed, then Vancouver, Wash.-based pianist Marlise Stroebe has been performing in the Northwest for more than 30 years (!), gigs frequently at weddings and such as "Marlise Stroebe Piano Singing" and sporadically pops up in recitals around town. At the Old Church, she's showcasing her serious classical chops on the venue's new Steinway Grand, with a free noontime program of Mozart and Ravel sonatas, and selections from Chopin's Nocturnes and J.S. Bach's ineffably beautiful French Suite. The Old Church, 1422 SW 11th Ave., 222-2031. Noon Wednesday, Sept. 12. Free.?

An Evening in St. Petersburg

?Symphonies have to raise money. That's a given. But do they have to throw such snoozer-sounding parties to do it? For their 2007 booze-'n'-cruise fundraiser, the Oregon Symphony has chosen to evoke the vibrant sights and colorful sounds of...19th-century Russia. No, really. In a night starting at 5:30 pm and stretching till (we're guessing) well past dawn, you can plunk down $250 for an "authentic four-course Imperial Russian meal," champagne and hors d'oeuvres, and the opportunity to bid on big-ticket silent and live auction items. There's also ballroom dancing (sweet), a live 18-piece orchestra (only some of whom are actual Symphony members), and Russian bass Konstantin Kvach in arias and songs. Bottoms up. The Governor Hotel, 614 SW 11th Ave., 416-6405. 5:30 pm Friday, Sept. 14. $250.?

Symphonic Safari

?Kids love animals. Try pulling a knee-high snot-nosed brat out of a poop-filled petting zoo, and you'll end up with a few scratches (trust me). Not so long ago, an orchestra marketing genius picked up on this idea: "Imagine this," I hear some bespectacled symphony board member saying. "If we could get tykes all googly-eyed over expensive wood and brass instruments like they do fuzzy animals, we'd be helping to save classical orchestral music from its imminent doom!" Voilà—the instrument petting zoo was born. I'm not sure if petting a French horn offers quite the same goosebumpy experience for kids as meeting up with a real live llama, but at least you run a lower risk of getting spit on (although I suppose that depends on the French horn player). The Portland Columbia Symphony is out to woo the suburban classical-music-phobic family in this afternoon concert and play day on the future site of Gresham's new Center for the Arts, featuring arts booths, food, that suspicious-sounding instrument petting zoo and yes, a concert, too, with (what else?) Camille Saint-Saëns' Carnvial of the Animals as the main event. Giddyup! Center for the Arts in Gresham future site, Northeast 2nd Street between Hood and Kelly avenues, Gresham, 234-4077. 12:30 pm Sunday, Sept. 16. $2 per family.?

DANCE?

tEEth, Normal and Happy

?Angelle Hebert is a Portland-based dancemaker of increasing strength and sophistication, and, along with soundscape collaborator Phillip Kraft, offers a new work, Normal and Happy, exploring that thin line between what you said and what you wanted to say—illustrated with Hebert's signature herky-jerky, animal-inspired movements. STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. Portland Center for Performing Arts, Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 6:30 pm Monday-Wednesday, Sept. 10-12. $15-$20.?

Zoe Scofield and Juniper Shuey, The Devil You Know is Better Than the Devil You Don't

?Scofield brings a ropy, heavy-breathing intensity to her contemporary movement, which bears the linear imprint of her ballet training. Look for sweeping legwork alternating with swooping dives. Fellow Seattlite Juniper Shuey, a video and performance artist, partners with Scofield for this treatise on group dynamics, set to a spare, original soundscape from Morgan Henderson. HEATHER WISNER. Portland State University, Lincoln Hall, 1620 SW Park Ave., 8:30 pm Friday-Sunday, Sept. 14-16, $15-$20.??

Ten Tiny Dances

?Mike Barber's kingdom may measure only 4 feet long by 4 feet wide, but the Portland choreographer can make new worlds out of a humble plywood square. Ten Tiny Dances is a 6-year-old dance series created to challenge movers to work within, well, really tiny confines, and everybody from Japan's Eiko & Koma to Oregon Ballet Theater's Christopher Stowell have created minute marvels for it. This year, Seattle's Zoe Scofield, PDX's Sojourn Theatre and, of course, Barber and his electric conspirator Cydney Wilkes, among others, take on the close-quarters challenge. Not to be missed. KELLY CLARKE. The Works at Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 10:30 pm Saturday, Sept. 15. $8-$10. 21+.